Letting Go

I’ve recently realised that for me to be happier and a stronger person, which will help me to be the best mum I can be for Chloe . . . I need to just “Let It Go”!!!  I need to mourn my pregnancy and motherhood ideals that I’ve always had in my head.  Stop being in denial, deal with my emotions so I can just move on cause Chloe deserves more than a mother who is stuck in her own fantasy land. Tell those sad depressing emotions to bugger off cause I don’t need them weighing me down and holding me back.

Since I was a teenager, I just couldn’t wait to be a mum.

Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t in any rush to get there because I wanted to embrace my youth and enjoy only having to worry about myself . . . also I needed to find that one right person who I wanted to be with for rest of my life.  I’ve always loved babies, the newborn smell, the cuddles, the amazing undeniable bond between a mother and her baby.  Being a Mother along with being a Wife was just something I knew I was meant be.  Yes I know it sounds a bit old fashioned and not a very modern way of thinking, but to me its the most rewarding thing I could do. Having a child, helping them grow and develop into wonderful humans was a task I wanted.

There was one possible obstacle in the way, suspecting that I’ve had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome since I was teenager but my Doctor at the time refused to investigate it and said to worry about it was time to start having babies.  Super fast forward to 2 weeks after when I found out that I was pregnant, I had an appointment booked to confirm the PCOS which was handy cause it meant having a early scan at our baby.  The Gynaecologist confirmed that I indeed had PCOS and that I had a little embryo growing inside me.  The next couple of months dragged like at snail pace, feeling constantly nauseated and keeping the exciting news quiet really makes time go snail paced slow.  I filled my time doing lots of reading about babies and looking at things to buy for the little bub . . . but not wanting to buy anything just in case it jinxed us.

With all the reading I was doing, I would come across stories of babies with rare syndromes or difficult pregnancies and I remember thinking at the time how hard and horrible it would be to go through something like that.  Looking back now I can’t help but think deep down did I know that something was up cause I kept telling myself over and over again I didn’t need that life lesson cause I was well aware of how hard it would be.  Well yes it has definitely been ridiculously hard but the past year shown me how strong as person I can be but also proven what a awesomely strong united relationship Laurie and I have.

If it wasn’t for Laurie I’m 100% positive I would’ve spiralled down into a deep depression many times a long this journey but especially at the beginning when we were waiting for the amnio results.  Spending my days not being able to stop crying and goggling what could be possibly be wrong with our baby was sending me into a dark scary hole.  Goggle just feeds the anxiety and worry when it comes to medical problems, but it’s very hard not give into the curiosity.  He got me motivated to get off my arse and get outside, so off we went up the mountain to check out the snow.  It was amazing how the cold mountain air was very therapeutic and cleared my mind.  From then onwards I still had my depressed, anxious and tears moment but I felt a lot more positive.

I needed that more positive outlook to get me through the remainder of the pregnancy, because my normal straightforward pregnancy was no longer.  There was many scans, dealing with different hospitals and seeing specialists which most of the time would play on my worry wart brain, keeping positive and calm was essential for our baby girls health but also mine.  My hopes of having a natural birth was becoming less likely, and I knew that for the rest of the pregnancy I just had to get a happy to go with the flow mindset . . . what would happen, would happen there was no positives in getting upset about something that was totally out of my control.

Unfortunately all the anxiety and emotions still all built up even if I didn’t fully acknowledge it at the time.  Once Chloe arrived the change of hormone levels, the stress of Chloe being diagnosed with JMML and Noonans,  sleep deprivation kicking in, trying to deal with colic and reflux problems I came to a point again that I just couldn’t stop crying.  That was the point when all the built up emotions from the past year really started to get to it’s boiling point.  It’s hard having a crying baby who you just can’t settle or console but struggling to keep yourself together.  Luckily I managed to get Chloe sleeping better so I could get some decent sleep myself, without that I really saw myself needing medical help myself.

Slowly I feel like I’m making progress with letting go, feeling happier in myself and really enjoying Chloe.

They say that if you are stressed and unhappy your baby feels this which can impact their mood as well.  I really do think this is true cause Chloe also became more contented as soon as I started to deal with things better.  I’m well aware that there are going to be more bumps in the road ahead of us but hopefully I’m now more well equipped emotionally to deal what is thrown at us and won’t let what has already happened hold us back.